You know, I'm not one for touching much. I was, once upon a time, before things happened that made touch repulsive to me. I used to enjoy cuddles and hugs, just leaning against someone.
Now? My natural instinct is to duck when someone comes at me to give a hug. To step back when someone tries to give me a simple high five. I was concerned that when I had Lily, this would carry over into my dealings with her.
To a point, it has. I don't like to hold her for more than a few minutes at a time. It drives me nuts when she absolutely MUST be touching me, even if its just a foot on my leg while she drinks her bottle. I prefer interacting with her from a short distance away.
However, as I type this, she's sitting beside me on the couch, leaning her head against my arm, and chowing down on a Earths Best Teething Biscuit. Even though it makes my skin crawl, and I want instinctively to move away from her... I recognize how precious times like these are. Lily will be my only child. She will only have one childhood. I will only have these times of peace and innocence for a brief period of time.
She has taught me to enjoy touch a little bit. Considering I hated touch (except for a good quick roll in the hay) before this, even enjoying it a little bit is a miracle.
There are times, lately, when she will just lean over, and lay her head against my chest, and take a deep breath. I know she won't remember this when she grows up, but its like she's deliberately making a memory...imprinting my feel and smell into her mind. I think that even if she doesn't REMEMBER it, she will know it. She's reinforcing, time and time again, that I am safe, and warm, and that she can come to me for comfort and love.
I can only hope that I never disappoint her.
I can only hope that I can be a role model for her.
I am scared that I will not be able to be that. That my past will entangle me yet again.
I found myself feeling frustrated that Lily is so far behind developmentally, yet again. Then, yet again, as she leaned forward, looked deep into my eyes, and then laughed at me... I'm reminded that in some ways, I am lucky. I have the pleasure of the innocent coo and gurgle, laugh, and snuggle stage much longer than other mommies of March do. I have more time to treasure the 'infant' stage, more time to do my own memories before Lily moves on to crawling and talking, walking and yelling.
Its a precious gift, with that way of looking at it.
