Christmas, Bible-Thumpers, and Non-Believers

I was thinking on this while driving to work this morning, and needed to get it out of my head...

Now, I call myself a Christian. I do this because I believe in God. I believe Jesus was the son of God. I believe He died to save us from our sins.

What I am NOT is a bible-thumper. I'm familiar with the Bible. I've read it cover to cover. However, its been a while since I've even opened one.  Its been several years since I've even been to church.

So, now that I've established that... let me just say...

Some people need to SHUT UP. I was reading various posts on Christmas, Jesus, etc...and non-believers were taking great joy in pointing out that December 25 was a pagan holiday long before Christ was 'supposedly' born. That we didn't know what we were talking about, etc. Of course, others were coming back at them and (I'll admit it, basically getting their butts handed to them) saying that yes, it was. That December 25 was the day he was born, and yadda yadda yadda.

My response to this is: I don't care what date he was born on. I'm celebrating his BIRTH. I'm not celebrating the day he was born. He could have been born on January 3rd for all I know, but, guess what? I'm going to celebrate his birth on December 25th. Why? Partly because that's how I was raised, but mostly because I realize that its the thought that counts.

Jesus could have been born on December 25th. Maybe God looked down, wanted to ease people's way into believing in him, and decided that that day would be the day Jesus was born. If you believe in the Bible, you believe in the Virgin birth. God knocked up a chick who had never had sex. You think he couldn't point a finger and go "Be born today" ??

On a side note, I can't believe I just put "God knocked up a chick". LOL! Well, you guys knew what I meant.

They talked about the pine tree, and how it had been a pagan symbol too. Something that people had gathered around in worship of life, or something like that. Well, gee, and the problem with us continuing to have a Christmas tree is.......?? I have a Christmas tree. I don't worshp it/ around it. Its a very pretty fake tree that I hang shiny baubles on so Lily can look and go "wow!" and it gives me a reason to torment the cat with the a water gun. To me, while the Christmas tree is a part of the holiday season, it is not something that I link with the birth of God's son. Its what we put gifts under, and hang shinies on. I celebrate Jesus' birth on Dec. 25th. I'm putting up the tree, however, for my personal pleasure. Not as on offering to Him.

For Him: I sing Carols like Silent Night, and I feel the joy and peace reverberate through me. For Him, I'll hold my daughter on my lap, and finally open the bible again. I'll read to her the story of Christ's birth. For Him, I'll give her snuggles, and thank Him for blessing me with her.

For me (and the family): I'll put up the shiny christmas tree. I'll buy presents to make people smile. I'll cook food so that we have a nice family dinner together.

There's a big difference between the stuff I'll do for Him and for me. I might do them on the same day, but there is still a big difference there.

And,you know what? I'll admit that maybe I'm doing it the wrong way. However, its the thought that counts.

I also, for the record, believe that we are in the End Times. Doesn't mean I'm going to shove it down your throat, but there it is.

So: Have yourselves a merry Christmas, everyone. To the people who take great joy in trying to rip other people's beliefs to shreds: Have yourself a merry Christmas, and grow the heck up. Asshats.

We all have our own beliefs. Deal with it. If you want to give yourself a happy right now, I'll give you some of my daughter's viagra. Same result, less annoyances to deal with.

Stand up

Its a bad day today. I don't know even how to explain it. Its just a bad, bad day emotionally. I think I am still feeling the stress of Lily being sick. I think I will always feel that stress, just some days I'm better at dealing with it than others.

My boyfriend texted me yesterday morning, and asked what Lily's Tracleer dosage was. I told him. He texted back that he thought that was what he had given her last night, but he's so cloudy from being sick. We've been giving the medication to her for a month. It irritated me, and worried me. It feels like the point is driving home more and more that I need to find a way to stay home and take care of Lily.

I don't want to. Its selfish of me, but I don't feel like I'm cut out to be a stay at home mom. I need that time away from her. I love her to death, but I need a break from her sometimes. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. how I'm supposed to keep handling this.

Sometimes I wonder why I even try. Its not like anything I can dno can make Lily better. I know why I try, though. I try because I love her, and that will never change. I will always do my best to take care of her. Its just that my best obviously isn't good enough.

I'm not good enough.

I feel like I'm failing at all parts of my life right now. I couldn't produce a healthy baby, I can't produce enough energy to care about my job. I can't be the type of friend that I should be to my friends - I just don't have the energy. Its hard for me to even clean the house.

I've always battled depression, and this is definitely a down-swing for me. I fight it off as much as I can, but it seems like things are just getting too much to handle. Don't worry. I'm not suicidal. I would never leave Lily like that. I justdon't know what to do anymore.

I can feel myself disconnecting from people. Conversations are forced because I know I need to talk to people.

One of my friends made a post about how the squeaky wheel gets the oil, and another friend posted but sometimes people get tired of hearing about  the squeaky wheel. I wondered if they were talking about me. I know I talk alot about Lily's problems, and how bad things are right now. Maybe I should stop that. They might not have been referring to me, but that's immediately what popped into my head.

Maybe I have been leaning on people too much lately. It seems like I've always done best when I had no one to depend upon but myself. Maybe I need to start that again. I don't know.

At one point I held hope that life would get better. That I would get through all the crap that life has thrown my way, and come out on top somehow. That's obviously never going to happen. Things are never going to get better.

I can pretend they are. I can try to fool myself. I can laugh and smile and make raunchy jokes, and feel better for a few minutes. That's all.

I wish I was a better person. I wish the idea of staying at home with Lily didn't fill me with dread. That's a horrible thing to admit, but there it is. I'm not perfect and I will admit to it. If I need to stay home with her, I will. I'll probably have to go on medication to help keep me level again, but I will.

Things looked up for a few days when I heard Lily got approved for her medicaid. That was a blessing. That still is a blessing. Its just not enough right now.

I don't really even have the desire to drink much anymore. A beer every now and then is nice, but I realize that its too tempting. That with everything going on, it would be really easy to turn into the type of person I don't want to be.

I remember commenting to one of my friends that it was a fact of life that bad people got whatever they wanted, and good people get kicked while  they are down. I have to wonder what good people get from life then. I guess its only seeing how many times you can stand back up after you've been knocked down.

I wish I could take Lily's sicknes upon myself. I wish I could give her a better, stable life. I can't though. So I'll just have to teach her how to deal with it, and hwo to start standing back up. That is, if she doesn't die on me. Can't forget about that.

Now that's one thing I probably won't be able to stand back up after.

A cure...

What would happen if there was a cure for ?

Its something that I've been thinking about since reading the article about AIDS having been cured. (It was not cured. There was ONE man who, under special circumstances, is HIV-free (seemingly) right now.)

What would happen if there was a cure for any terrible disease? Would this cure be mass-produced and distributed at large to people who needed it? Hah! If you think so, I admire your rosey outlook on society in general. Well, partially admire it. Mostly think you're a optimistic idiot. No large drug company is going to be that kind.

They will recognize that people suffering from will pay anything / do anything to be cured. The price will be enormously high (Need I remind you one of Lily's meds is 5000 dollars a bottle?), and demand will far outweigh supply. 

Charity programs will be set up so that pharmaceutical companies can trumpet their kindness for all the world to hear about. qualifications to get into these programs will be insanely hard to reach.

You'd see headlines about people dying from the disease because they couldn't afford the cure. About people dying because they didn't get the cure in time...the disease was too advanced.

Then, maybe 15-20 years down the road, prices will finally be driven down a bit. Deals will be reached. The medicine will be more accessible. Maybe then, will be mostly cured. However, until humans in general can let loose of their greed, and self-serving interests, that terrible disease will only be cured for select groups. The rest will be in a figurative lottery to get the few free doses that sporadically come up for grabs. 

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Okay, that was random and didn't have a ton of coherency, but that's what happens when I have a beer in me sometimes.

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Lily is with Kyle at his parents house. Momma has cheesy horror movies and a 6-pack of beer.


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