I...am.

I believe every post I've done has been specifically about Lily or her problems and dealing with them- and that's great. That's primarily what this is meant for. However, in this post I'm going to ramble a bit, I think.


I asked on FB today - "Remember when we were actual people, mommas?" I love my daughter to pieces, but I feel like I've lost a good portion of my identity to her. That's not necessarily a bad thing, its just something to reflect upon.

Even when she is at someone's house, I still think about her. I think I can't get shitfaced because she might need me. I call to check on her. I'm so exhausted generally that I don't want to go out and party or something. I just want to take a long bath, read a good book, and go to sleep.

I can't remember the last indepth conversation I had that didn't involve her. I used to know Arabic. I don't remember anything more than the basic greeting now.  Its amazing the things that I'm not anymore. So I'm going to amuse myself and list what I still am.

1. I am an avid reader. (Baby or no baby, I need to at least read a couple chapters every day.)

2. I am opinionated.

3. If I were a jewel, I'd be a diamond. I'm ridiculously strong, and yet just hit me the right way/with the right thing, and I'll shatter into a thousand pieces.

4. I am a dreamer. When I'm laying in bed at night, I dream about what it would be like to be loved. What it would be like to be special. What it would be like to be something more than I am.

5. I am a potty-mouth. You have seen evidence of it. The F word is probably my favorite, but I have a triple-threat that I pull out when I'm really frustrated. Sh**! *stomps foot* F***! *stomps foot again* D***! *slams hands down on nearest surface* When I get to that point, people are generally backing away from me.

6. I am a believer in God. I have my issues with him. I hate him sometimes. I love him others. However, no matter how I feel about it, I believe that He exists.

7. I am a dog-lover, and a cat-hater. Well, I hate all the friendly cats. I like the aloof ones who only love you for your food.

8. I am someone who cares too much about things, but shows that I care too little. Defense Mechanism.

9. I am intelligent. Half my brain-power is on Lily right now, but I've intimidated more than a few people intellectually.

10. I am a sex fiend. I'm often too tired to do anything about it, but I love me some raunchy sex!

However, you know, none of those is as important as this one...

11. I am a mother.

My daughter is my present, and my future. The past is behind me. No point in dwelling on it. I've got enough to do just dealing with the present, and running from the future.

Oh, yeah..

12. I am sleepy.

Good news at last!

Well, as you all probably know, I've been struggling trying to get Lily medical coverage. It has been a huge worry! Medical bills have been piling up around my ears!

Yesterday, I got a call from Children's Homecare. The nurse told me she wanted to schedule Lily's synagis injection. I told her no. It wasn't a necessity, and Lily didn't have insurance yet. The shot is like $1000.00. She told me that Lily *did* have insurance. I thought it had to have been a fluke in their records from where Lily had insurance previously. She said she would verify and call me back.

Like 5 minutes later she called me back. She said that Lily had been approved for the shot through Medicaid. That she had Medicaid. It was on a monthly basis, but she had it. Well, I went home and was looking through my mail. I had a letter of approval from BCMH (the Beaurea for Children with Medical Handicaps). It stated that Lily was approved for BCMH, but her primary insurance provider was Medicaid.

Needless to say, I was extremely confused. Hopeful, but trying not to let my hopes get too far up.

Today I called Homecare back, and they gave me Lily's medicaid number. I called the Medicaid Consumer Hotline, and basically just said "I just need to know three things. 1. Does she actually have medicaid? 2. When did she get approved for this? 3. When do I have to reapply. Is it monthly?"

The answers were "Yes. November 1st. Its ongoing."

Thank you Lord! thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!

I was still confused because I never applied for Medicaid. I applied for Caresource and I hadn't even had that appointment yet. However, what I found out is this...

To qualify for BCMH, you have to qualify for Healthy Start/Medicaid. When Dr. Daniels' nurse put in the application for BCMH, Lily automatically 'applied' for Medicaid because any BCMH applications are kicked through Medicaid first because BCMH is a last resort payer. Lily qualified.

Again, Thank God!

So, I immediately got on the phone to call her oxygen company..only to find out they already knew. Homecare already knew. Apparently I was the only one that didn't know yet! Haha! So, this afternoon Wrencare will be coming out to give me some much needed supplies (like 2 50 ft oxygen cords and stuff).

Now I'm on the search for an O2 backpack. I want Lily to have a lot of mobility when we're out and about. The basic holder that they give us is just a shoulder-strap thing. I need  a backpack small enough to fit Lily, but large enough to hold a portable oxygen tank. I might end up improvising with something. I just don't know what. Anyways, its not a huge concern. If nothing else, I'll get one of the adult 02 backpacks, carry it myself, and just give Lily a long cord and hope she doesn't trip too many people! LOL.

Oh, my goodness. I needed this. I needed this break. I needed SOMETHING to go right.

Everyone tells me I'm strong, but this last week has put me at my breaking point. Just at the "I can't do this. I can't take this. I can't.. I can't...I CAN'T!" There are still lots of things going wrong, but this one little thing is such a blessing. Well, its not little considering how expensive her medications are, but you know what I mean.

So, pardon me while I go do a booty-shake.