I...am.

I believe every post I've done has been specifically about Lily or her problems and dealing with them- and that's great. That's primarily what this is meant for. However, in this post I'm going to ramble a bit, I think.


I asked on FB today - "Remember when we were actual people, mommas?" I love my daughter to pieces, but I feel like I've lost a good portion of my identity to her. That's not necessarily a bad thing, its just something to reflect upon.

Even when she is at someone's house, I still think about her. I think I can't get shitfaced because she might need me. I call to check on her. I'm so exhausted generally that I don't want to go out and party or something. I just want to take a long bath, read a good book, and go to sleep.

I can't remember the last indepth conversation I had that didn't involve her. I used to know Arabic. I don't remember anything more than the basic greeting now.  Its amazing the things that I'm not anymore. So I'm going to amuse myself and list what I still am.

1. I am an avid reader. (Baby or no baby, I need to at least read a couple chapters every day.)

2. I am opinionated.

3. If I were a jewel, I'd be a diamond. I'm ridiculously strong, and yet just hit me the right way/with the right thing, and I'll shatter into a thousand pieces.

4. I am a dreamer. When I'm laying in bed at night, I dream about what it would be like to be loved. What it would be like to be special. What it would be like to be something more than I am.

5. I am a potty-mouth. You have seen evidence of it. The F word is probably my favorite, but I have a triple-threat that I pull out when I'm really frustrated. Sh**! *stomps foot* F***! *stomps foot again* D***! *slams hands down on nearest surface* When I get to that point, people are generally backing away from me.

6. I am a believer in God. I have my issues with him. I hate him sometimes. I love him others. However, no matter how I feel about it, I believe that He exists.

7. I am a dog-lover, and a cat-hater. Well, I hate all the friendly cats. I like the aloof ones who only love you for your food.

8. I am someone who cares too much about things, but shows that I care too little. Defense Mechanism.

9. I am intelligent. Half my brain-power is on Lily right now, but I've intimidated more than a few people intellectually.

10. I am a sex fiend. I'm often too tired to do anything about it, but I love me some raunchy sex!

However, you know, none of those is as important as this one...

11. I am a mother.

My daughter is my present, and my future. The past is behind me. No point in dwelling on it. I've got enough to do just dealing with the present, and running from the future.

Oh, yeah..

12. I am sleepy.