Stand up

Its a bad day today. I don't know even how to explain it. Its just a bad, bad day emotionally. I think I am still feeling the stress of Lily being sick. I think I will always feel that stress, just some days I'm better at dealing with it than others.

My boyfriend texted me yesterday morning, and asked what Lily's Tracleer dosage was. I told him. He texted back that he thought that was what he had given her last night, but he's so cloudy from being sick. We've been giving the medication to her for a month. It irritated me, and worried me. It feels like the point is driving home more and more that I need to find a way to stay home and take care of Lily.

I don't want to. Its selfish of me, but I don't feel like I'm cut out to be a stay at home mom. I need that time away from her. I love her to death, but I need a break from her sometimes. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. how I'm supposed to keep handling this.

Sometimes I wonder why I even try. Its not like anything I can dno can make Lily better. I know why I try, though. I try because I love her, and that will never change. I will always do my best to take care of her. Its just that my best obviously isn't good enough.

I'm not good enough.

I feel like I'm failing at all parts of my life right now. I couldn't produce a healthy baby, I can't produce enough energy to care about my job. I can't be the type of friend that I should be to my friends - I just don't have the energy. Its hard for me to even clean the house.

I've always battled depression, and this is definitely a down-swing for me. I fight it off as much as I can, but it seems like things are just getting too much to handle. Don't worry. I'm not suicidal. I would never leave Lily like that. I justdon't know what to do anymore.

I can feel myself disconnecting from people. Conversations are forced because I know I need to talk to people.

One of my friends made a post about how the squeaky wheel gets the oil, and another friend posted but sometimes people get tired of hearing about  the squeaky wheel. I wondered if they were talking about me. I know I talk alot about Lily's problems, and how bad things are right now. Maybe I should stop that. They might not have been referring to me, but that's immediately what popped into my head.

Maybe I have been leaning on people too much lately. It seems like I've always done best when I had no one to depend upon but myself. Maybe I need to start that again. I don't know.

At one point I held hope that life would get better. That I would get through all the crap that life has thrown my way, and come out on top somehow. That's obviously never going to happen. Things are never going to get better.

I can pretend they are. I can try to fool myself. I can laugh and smile and make raunchy jokes, and feel better for a few minutes. That's all.

I wish I was a better person. I wish the idea of staying at home with Lily didn't fill me with dread. That's a horrible thing to admit, but there it is. I'm not perfect and I will admit to it. If I need to stay home with her, I will. I'll probably have to go on medication to help keep me level again, but I will.

Things looked up for a few days when I heard Lily got approved for her medicaid. That was a blessing. That still is a blessing. Its just not enough right now.

I don't really even have the desire to drink much anymore. A beer every now and then is nice, but I realize that its too tempting. That with everything going on, it would be really easy to turn into the type of person I don't want to be.

I remember commenting to one of my friends that it was a fact of life that bad people got whatever they wanted, and good people get kicked while  they are down. I have to wonder what good people get from life then. I guess its only seeing how many times you can stand back up after you've been knocked down.

I wish I could take Lily's sicknes upon myself. I wish I could give her a better, stable life. I can't though. So I'll just have to teach her how to deal with it, and hwo to start standing back up. That is, if she doesn't die on me. Can't forget about that.

Now that's one thing I probably won't be able to stand back up after.