Randomn Stuffs

I recently had to disconnect myself from a board full of people that I really cared about. I had to do it because I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take being around conversations about healthy babies. I couldn't take listening to people talk about how hard a time they were having because of their child having a cold, or chronic ear infections, or various other little things. I felt for them, I still feel for them, but I was getting to the point where I was wanting to scream at them.

I wanted to scream: SHUT UP! JUST STOP WHINGING! You have NO clue what hard is until you've had a baby with a chronic life-threatening illness. NO clue! You think ear infections are bad? Constant diaper rashes? Waking up all hours of the night still? Try looking at your baby and realizing that they could die any time on you. Try looking at your baby and realizing that the odds are AGAINST him/her even getting a chance to GROW UP.

I wanted to scream and cry. To throw things and slap people. Just from listening to their happy conversations. Just from listening to their very valid concerns/complaints. For those mamas who are coming to the board for support because they are having a rough time, I had to leave. I had to leave because I no longer had it in me to offer them the support that they needed. I had to be selfish, because I cannot be unselfish right now. I just don't have it in me. I care for all of them, and that's why I left. Because I knew, sooner or later, I was going to come out with a very hurtful rant...and I wouldn't even be able to say truthfully that I didn't mean what I said afterwards, because I would mean it. I would not be saying it to be mean or to be spiteful, but because its the truth.

That they don't realize how good they have it.

I worry about the other children who have health problems. A couple have heart problems, but thankfully they don't seem to be anything too serious. I know one mama's baby also has some type of thyroid problems. They are in my thoughts quite often. No baby should be sick. Ever. Also, there is the momma of the beautiful little girl with Autism. She seems to be handling it like a champ. I will always try to be there for her too.

......

I am so thankful for one particular friend. This girl is absolutely amazing. She's made bracelets and encouraged others to make bracelets for the Global Genes Project. She asks every day how I'm doing, how Lily's doing. She has done research on her own to find out more about Pulmonary Hypertension. She sent me a card one day recently that had me in stitches because it was so funny. She's willing to listen to me whine and grumble about how much life sucks right now. She is, in two words, F'king Awesome! I gladly give up my self-proclaimed title to this particular friend. Because that's what she is.

She wishes she could do more. She's doing so much right now. I don't even have the right words in me to express how thankful I am for her friendship.

I'm also thankful for the other mamas (and some dads) who pm me out of the blue just to see how things are going. I can't always respond to them because my day is that rough, but I feel better just knowing that they care.

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I'm pretty much constantly tired lately. I have trouble getting up enough energy to really play with Lily. I feel like I just want to sit on the couch and be left alone. I feel like of my immediate relations (Friends/family/coworkers) here in Columbus, I'm the only one who realizes how serious Lily's condition is. I'm the only one who is really watching out for changes in her condition. I won't say I'm the only one that cares, because I know I'm not...but I feel like I'm taking on all the worry without anyone here to share it with. Sometimes all I need is a hug from someone who gets it. I don't feel like I have that.

I've been grumpy lately. More inclined to anger easily. My 'fuse' is practically non-existant.

I really just want babied for a few days. Just cuddles, snuggles, chocolate, alcohol, and a big box of tissues to blow my nose on while I left myself break down and cry. Tangible things. Oh well. More's the pity.

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Oh yeah... I got laid last night. It was good.