The Better Parent... is not me.

My boyfriend is, hands down, the better parent to Lily.

Its disturbing to realize. I'm her mom. I should be the best parent for her. Right? But, I'm not. Hey, at least I can admit it.

I am wrapped up in Lily's medical problems. I think more about them, sometimes, than I think about her. I'm constantly thinking about it, researching it. I'm the one, during her bad spells, that is on the phone with the doctors, coordinating things and getting test results.

I am pretty much constantly tired, so its hard for me to get up the energy to even want to do anything with Lily. (I do force myself to take her to the park and such, though.) I do not like people, in general, so if we are at the playground and have it to ourselves...then another group come along, I will immediately pack Lily up to head home. This has already caused Lily some issues in associating with groups of kids. (She prefers to sit while the others play, and play by herself while the others are doing something else.)

I lose my temper with her much more easily than he does. However, as an aside to that, Lily listens to me much better than she listens to him.

He lays down with her every night to get her to sleep. I'm of the mind we should just say goodnight, give her sippy, close the door and let her fall asleep on her own. (Now, I'm not totally heartless, if she's still crying after 10 minutes we can try something else...)

He helps her eat during dinner. I'm content just to give her the plate and let her go at it any way she wants to go at it.

I guess my only plusses as a parent are that I'm utterly unselfconscious about doing silly things with Lily. Go out and play in the puddles for a half-hour? Sure! Dance w/ her around the living room floor for 10 minutes straight? Of course! (Now, he tries to dance with her, but Lily won't let him...) Play in the faucet at the back of the house for 15 minutes on a hot day? Coming right up!

And yet.... for all his pros to my cons... Lily is more attached to me. That makes me feel guilty as hell sometimes. I'm the one Lily turns to when she gets a boo-boo. I'm the one Lily asks to carry her. I'm the one Lily goes to for snuggles when she's not feeling well. I'm the one who Lily steals food from.

I don't know what to think anymore.