Circling the Drain

The first time I heard that expression, I was reading a Harry Potter fanfic.  Its amazing how things you read/hear in the stupidest of places can stick with you. It has definitely stuck with me.

I feel like that's what I'm doing now. Circling the drain. Fighting against it, but still inevitably circling it. Hoping desperately that someone will stop it up, and stop the pull, even as I'm losing my will to fight.

I'm not suicidal. I wouldn't do anything that would take me away from Lily. I'm just losing my will to fight to do anything more than to survive and give Lily a life. I've stopped going on to my favorite sites. I rarely have contact with the March Mommies anymore.

My life consists of Lily and work. Lily, and work. Even Kyle barely factors in anymore. He causes me more anger than anything else. I care about him, and I think I'll always care about him...but I'm tired. I'm tired of always being the forgiving one. Of always being the one who stays quiet, who goes with the flow. Being tired of it doesn't mean I want to radically change it though. I'm not determined to suddenly stand up for myself and want I want...

I'm too tired for that.

Instead, whatever happens...happens. As long as Lily is taken care of.

She had therapy today. We worked on teaching her to crawl. I was so tired that I laid down on the mat and almost fell asleep. In CH, surrounded by screaming babies being put through their paces, I almost fell asleep. I think I actually did for a few minutes. Then, on the drive home, I could barely concentrate on my driving. My thoughts were wondering everywhere, and I was just so... angry.

I can't even say specifically what I was angry at. I don't know. I just know that I was.

Kyle's asleep on the couch right now. I look at him, and I think that I hate him. I look at him, and I think that I don't know how or why I love him...I just know that I do. I know that he is part of the force that keeps me circling the drain. I know that Lily and I need to get away from him, but I don't know how. I don't know how to start over. I kid myself by saying that I'm strong enough to just pack up, take Lily, and move away.

I'm not that strong. I believe so that I am unworthy of affection, of love. That I should be grateful for the crumbs that I get. I can't walk away from him because I honestly don't believe I'll find anyone else.

Lily was a character today. At one point, she was sitting perfectly upright, with her fingers interlaced, clasped high up on her chest. She was sitting, and looking around. Looking around with an expression on her face that said she was Lord of all that she surveyed. This child is a trip. I looked at her and said "you are such a dork." Her response? To smile at me, and continue surveying her domain.

That child has me completely wrapped around her little finger. Its kind of pitiful, really.

I was talking to therapist. Discussing what I'd read about children with ACC/DCC. The therapist said that she had children before with this, and that they had walked, they had learned to talk, etc. It gave me some hope. I have a GI appointment on Monday. I'm going to ask them to make a Speech Therapy referral.

I wish there were more hours in the day. I wish I made enough money that I could just stay home and take care of Lily. I don't want to be a SAHM, but maybe at the same time I would feel at least moderately less...burned out.

I"m watching The Signal. Its a little weird. This is very stream-of-conscious. Lots of people dying.

I'm going to be 27 in a few days. I was thinking about all that I had accomplished in life...and I realized the answer was...nothing. I couldn't even manage to have a healthy child. Yeah, I'm a *real* winner.

That wasn't a slight towards Lily. Healthy or not, I adore that little girl.